khan had a lot of wrath let me tell you. dude was hard up for some revenge on shatner, but as we all know, shatner prevails. i mean, he IS the spokesperson for smith & hassler, personal injury lawyers.

ok, so the legends were true... the wrath of khan was definitely better than the first star trek. but i think big momma's house would be better than the first star trek. the jonas brothers: 3d concert experience would be better than the first star trek. so wrath of khan had nowhere to go but up. and boy did it. opening scene, who did they score?

skinny kirstie! aw, bless her heart. but seriously, i almost spit out my drink when i saw this. thank god i didn't... it was boone's, and momma don't waste no boone's.

ok, so kirstie is some trainee chick with a bunch of other trainees, and they're being tested, and she moves like a robot, and bryan tells me it's because she's one of those vulcans, kinda like spock, and have you noticed i haven't yet ended this sentence let's see how long i can go without a period or question mark or exclaimation point wow this is pretty exciting!

damn.

in the first movie, i was sorely disappointed with the costume department and their apparent inability to put additional layers in any of their suits. the lead designer must've missed that class in fashion school "Linings & Cups 101"... he was too hungover from the previous night's party at studio 54, where he did lines off some dude's... whoa forgot LFC was PG. i mean he was too tired from playing with puppies the day before.

but so far in wrath, i am fairly pleased that the studio decided to throw more money into wardrobe, as indicated by the above photo. they even sprung for some dickeys... you know, to give the indication that they're wearing mock turtlenecks, when they're really not. dickeys are great that way.

uh oh, spoke too soon.

those crazy kids in wardrobe got a little ahead of themselves. "bubble hems? why not! let's go for the gusto! what IS a gusto?! we don't care! let's just go for it!"

and the placard... really? a placard on a spaceship? shouldn't there be something more, permanent? like something that wouldn't fall over when doing that whole warp speed thingie? and this sign was totally stolen from the lot next door where they were shooting airplane!. yes stewardess, i speak jive.

and really guys, you thought leisure suits would stand the test of time and still be around in the year 7012 (or whatever crazy future date)? hey guess what, they didn't even make it to 1985. so well played.


here's where it got good. no, not in the plot... i think we may have reached the ultimate mullet-sighting. IN SPACE.

and that's the big daddy... KHAN. and as you can see, one of his minions has a mullet too. in fact, they all had some form or variation of a mullet. it was quite the mulleter's playground. and for those of you into this, here's a nice poufy front-shot...


now, for the record, mullets are usually business in the front, party in the back. but i think kahn's is more party/party. those bangs are ready for some fun.

i am so excited and distracted by all the mullets and outfits and skinny kirstie, that i haven't been paying attention to the actual plot. but then again, who needs a plot when you have Mullets In Space™? good name for a band. thank you houston, we're Mullets in Space, goodnight!

ok, so the 2 dudes get captured by the mullet mafia, and khan sticks this worm dealio in chekov's ear, which was really gross. and can i just mention that saying "chekov" really quick sounds like "jack off". i was giggling like a 12-year old pubescent boy through the entire movie. totally annoyed bryan, which was a bonus.

now we get to hear some of spock's infinite wisdom, while he's sitting in front of his new infinite mirror, which he got on sale at spencer's.


girlfriend got her nails did. i'm jealous.


ok, so now khan and his dudes captured a ship and are going to take their wrath out on shatner. and that's when we get THIS shot:

i can't remember... is this motley crue or van halen? i always get them confused.
and a close-up of the dude on the right... who appears to be playing with himself in space:


and let me just say, whatever they didn't spend on hair & makeup, they made up for in constructing khan's rippling chest-plate. peters needs to get himself one of those.


so now a bunch of bad stuff happens, things get blown up, yada yada and now they're trying to figure out how to make khan chill out.

this is an important scene - discussing strategy and world peace, and skinny kirstie is checking out the craft services table:


kirstie, don't do it. i realize you can't see your fat future, but i can, and i assure you, it ain't pretty. i realize trying to influence the skinny you might upset space and time as we know it, but i don't care - don't you see i am trying to keep you from eating your weight in donuts?!

now this appears to be a pretty pivotal (and timeless) part of the movie. when willy is yelling "khan! khaaaannnn!!" and look how funny he looks when i pause it?


so yeah... um... that's about it. i am pretty sure everything turned out alright. oh yeah, and spock took one for the team and died so they shot him into space. bryan teared up. i did too, but not because spock died, but because the boone's bottle was empty.

so bryan is making me watch all the star trek movies. he says it's in preparation of j.j. abrams new star trek movie coming out this summer... i need to know the 'back story', he says.

look, typically i am only interested in watching things that have laugh tracks or rose ceremonies, but i suppose in order to appease my husband, i will make an exception. it has nothing to do with the fact that he offered me new shoes for each one that i watched. you should have read the fine print bryan. never sign something you don't read. and never, ever turn your back on me when i'm making you a drink. did you know you can buy cyanide online? at quite a discount too.

here goes.

ok, opening credits... wait, i know this song. isn't it the same one from star wars? or superman? whatever, they all sound the same.

whoa... first guys i see... bryan calls them "klingons". (i had to google that to know how to spell it). clearly these guys need a referral for a plastic surgeon. i have just the man. tell him sarah sent you, i'm a regular.

spock! i know him! not sure what's going on here, but i am already confused. spock is on some planet talking some other language with freaky pointy-eared people. and spock looks in serious need of a drink. i'm right there with ya man... pause it bryan, momma's gonna go make herself a champagne.

good thing i poured it, 'cause i needed it to get me through the continuous fashion faux pas' that were committed. dude! put some pants on!

oh good, it's stardate 7012 (whatever the hell stardate means), and escalators are still around. good to know that we won't have to use stairs in the future. stairs are SO overrated.

whoa! this is worst than no-pants dude. i see your pee-pee mr. i-got-to-be-in-the-movie-because-the-director-is-my-uncle. note to costume department, men have penises, and typically, when wearing spandex, those peni (plural for penis) get pushed up against the material and you can see every little nook and cranny. is that how you spell cranny? what IS a cranny, anyways? well, whatever it is, i can see it IN ALL IT'S GLORY.


so kirk and scotty have some sort of bromance going on. they gaze a lot into each other's eyes. how adorable.

oh look! it's the dad from seventh heaven. this peaked my interested for about seven seconds.

uh oh, william shatner is tearing up. little does he know that all those acting skills are gonna get him are priceline commercials.

now bryan pauses the movie. he starts telling me how this is enterprise 4 blah blah blah. i say blah blah blah, because i was too busy wondering how big the shoe closets are on this ship thingie. and can they make taco bell runs. i bet the taco bells in space are excellent and their burritos are out of this world. thank you! i'll be here all your life.

my eyes start glazing over, so bryan decides it would be best if he pressed play before he completely loses me. too late.

ok so some more things happen... shatner and seventh-heaven-guy are having a pissing contest, then some hot bald chick comes on and talks about how her oath of celibacy is on record - wait, what? 'cause the way mr. camden's lookin at you, you've been felt up honey. you're definitely the token ho on this ship.

so now i'm so focused on bald girl's BIG FAT LIE, that i almost miss this:
don't get me started on the badonkadonk in the background there. girlfriend doesn't have the body to be wearing spandex, and she should be eating less space ice cream and more dehydrated carrots.
no no, i am referring to reverend camden's little friend there. i can understand the costume department having to cut down on cups for the extras, but they should have splurged on the lead actors' wardrobe. god forbid hot bald chick walk by at this critical moment in the film. lucky for seventh heaven dad, badonkadonk's don't do it for him, so captain winky there can stay at ease.

but that doesn't keep shatner from taking a few peeks. maybe he's been hanging around george takei too much, but kirk isn't shy about getting a glimpse:

ok, so more space shots, more people getting beamed up or in or whatever, more spandex (for the love of God make the spandex go away), and more whatever. by now i have almost completely lost interest. not that the interest was there to begin with, but at least then i was drunk and excited about new shoes. 45 minutes in and my buzz is going away i'm thinking shoes aren't worth the pain. except these. i would watch this movie for 24 hours straight for a night alone with those bad boys.

oh wait, random black dude shot. luckily for him, there's a black chick in the movie too (with an afro, natch), so he might be gettin laid tonight.
this black guy didn't have any lines, but if he did, i'd imagine he be saying something like "shut yo mouth! we in space?!"

ok, so i've seen it all and made my racist remark of the day (i have a quota), so now i'm really done. now all i need to get my fill is a mustache in space and i'll have all the material i need.

score!
ok, so is it me, or does this guy look like he's probably george takei's personal "assistant"? he is forgetting that he's in the star trek movie and not "the sword swallower".

DONE. i made it 55 minutes in. sorry peters, you're gonna have to finish without me. that's what she said.

next up: wrath of khan. oh boy, can't wait.