so bryan is making me watch all the star trek movies. he says it's in preparation of j.j. abrams new star trek movie coming out this summer... i need to know the 'back story', he says.

look, typically i am only interested in watching things that have laugh tracks or rose ceremonies, but i suppose in order to appease my husband, i will make an exception. it has nothing to do with the fact that he offered me new shoes for each one that i watched. you should have read the fine print bryan. never sign something you don't read. and never, ever turn your back on me when i'm making you a drink. did you know you can buy cyanide online? at quite a discount too.

here goes.

ok, opening credits... wait, i know this song. isn't it the same one from star wars? or superman? whatever, they all sound the same.

whoa... first guys i see... bryan calls them "klingons". (i had to google that to know how to spell it). clearly these guys need a referral for a plastic surgeon. i have just the man. tell him sarah sent you, i'm a regular.

spock! i know him! not sure what's going on here, but i am already confused. spock is on some planet talking some other language with freaky pointy-eared people. and spock looks in serious need of a drink. i'm right there with ya man... pause it bryan, momma's gonna go make herself a champagne.

good thing i poured it, 'cause i needed it to get me through the continuous fashion faux pas' that were committed. dude! put some pants on!

oh good, it's stardate 7012 (whatever the hell stardate means), and escalators are still around. good to know that we won't have to use stairs in the future. stairs are SO overrated.

whoa! this is worst than no-pants dude. i see your pee-pee mr. i-got-to-be-in-the-movie-because-the-director-is-my-uncle. note to costume department, men have penises, and typically, when wearing spandex, those peni (plural for penis) get pushed up against the material and you can see every little nook and cranny. is that how you spell cranny? what IS a cranny, anyways? well, whatever it is, i can see it IN ALL IT'S GLORY.


so kirk and scotty have some sort of bromance going on. they gaze a lot into each other's eyes. how adorable.

oh look! it's the dad from seventh heaven. this peaked my interested for about seven seconds.

uh oh, william shatner is tearing up. little does he know that all those acting skills are gonna get him are priceline commercials.

now bryan pauses the movie. he starts telling me how this is enterprise 4 blah blah blah. i say blah blah blah, because i was too busy wondering how big the shoe closets are on this ship thingie. and can they make taco bell runs. i bet the taco bells in space are excellent and their burritos are out of this world. thank you! i'll be here all your life.

my eyes start glazing over, so bryan decides it would be best if he pressed play before he completely loses me. too late.

ok so some more things happen... shatner and seventh-heaven-guy are having a pissing contest, then some hot bald chick comes on and talks about how her oath of celibacy is on record - wait, what? 'cause the way mr. camden's lookin at you, you've been felt up honey. you're definitely the token ho on this ship.

so now i'm so focused on bald girl's BIG FAT LIE, that i almost miss this:
don't get me started on the badonkadonk in the background there. girlfriend doesn't have the body to be wearing spandex, and she should be eating less space ice cream and more dehydrated carrots.
no no, i am referring to reverend camden's little friend there. i can understand the costume department having to cut down on cups for the extras, but they should have splurged on the lead actors' wardrobe. god forbid hot bald chick walk by at this critical moment in the film. lucky for seventh heaven dad, badonkadonk's don't do it for him, so captain winky there can stay at ease.

but that doesn't keep shatner from taking a few peeks. maybe he's been hanging around george takei too much, but kirk isn't shy about getting a glimpse:

ok, so more space shots, more people getting beamed up or in or whatever, more spandex (for the love of God make the spandex go away), and more whatever. by now i have almost completely lost interest. not that the interest was there to begin with, but at least then i was drunk and excited about new shoes. 45 minutes in and my buzz is going away i'm thinking shoes aren't worth the pain. except these. i would watch this movie for 24 hours straight for a night alone with those bad boys.

oh wait, random black dude shot. luckily for him, there's a black chick in the movie too (with an afro, natch), so he might be gettin laid tonight.
this black guy didn't have any lines, but if he did, i'd imagine he be saying something like "shut yo mouth! we in space?!"

ok, so i've seen it all and made my racist remark of the day (i have a quota), so now i'm really done. now all i need to get my fill is a mustache in space and i'll have all the material i need.

score!
ok, so is it me, or does this guy look like he's probably george takei's personal "assistant"? he is forgetting that he's in the star trek movie and not "the sword swallower".

DONE. i made it 55 minutes in. sorry peters, you're gonna have to finish without me. that's what she said.

next up: wrath of khan. oh boy, can't wait.