i am supposed to be that person that gets rich because she invented something that made you go "DUR why didn't i think of that?" and millions of them are sold and before you know it she's sitting on oprah's couch telling other women that they can do it too and making them feel empowered all while some factory in china is manufacturing her product that costs 14 cents to make but sells for $29.99 which makes her a malibu penthouse and a closet of louboutins richer.

problem is, i haven't actually invented anything yet.

well actually i HAVE...  i just didn't own the patent, or design anything, or market anything, or find investors...  but i totally thought of them first.

sex in the city.

i'm a bit of a writer, and a tongue-in-cheek one at that.  a little over 10 years ago, in the midst of my single, dating days, i came up with an idea to document some of the weird, random, funny, FUCKED UP*, quirky dates that myself and my friends had been on.  every week we'd compare notes and end up in hysterics over the oddball men that came in and out of our lives.  i had a palm pilot (geek alert) and began recording our notes.  we had nicknames for many of the guys, that ranged from Chopped Liver to BO Man.  the stories ranged from a guy who clipped his carpet with scissors to a guy with a diaper fetish.  i was sure i could churn out a hysterical book that women would read for decades and know that the dude that gave them an orange for their birthday isn't the only freak out there, and every woman has a funny story to tell.  of course, my ambitions got lost when i moved up in the exciting career of oil & gas.  sex and the city came out, spawning many "single, confident woman dates men of all kinds" books and movies...  most of which are pink and have an illustration of a woman in a LBD drinking a martini on the cover. 

snuggie/slanket.

first of all, the name snuggie is MUCH better than slanket, and i think the name alone is what catupulted the snuggie into stardom.  'snuggie' sounds soft, and warm and inviting.  'slanket' sounds dirty and sleezy...  like the drug-addicted cousin that you meet in a back alley for a quickie. 

i have been using my robe as a blanket with sleeves for years.  i own 6 robes, and i use them all to keep warm.  it didn't exactly occur to me to market my new "invention" to millions of idiots** as a completely different product, so i don't like taking ALL the credit for this idea.

porn in 3d.

whoa, i just pushed lfc in the r-rated spectrum.  that coupled with my use of the F-word means i can't run for office.  which really sucks, because i've been wanting to turn my Margarita Friday idea into actual legislation.

back to my million-dollar idea...  about a year ago we were watching chuck in 3d, and i glanced over at bryan in his red-and-blue glasses, and as he watched yvonne strahovski on our 65-inch television, a stream of drool came out of his mouth.  and that's when it hit me - if he's THIS excited about a random blonde in a miniskirt in 3d, imagine what a nekkid jenna jameson in 3d would do to a guy?  make me freakin' rich, that's what.  (fyi, i realize jenna is all skeletor now, and there's probably some new, more famous porn star out there, but it just goes to show you how prude i actually am.  or am i?)

well since the success of avatar, i heard last week that the porn industry is making moves to develop 3d movies.  which just really ticks me off.  i was this close.

*i've decided that i like saying the word FUCK.  it gets my point across.  unfortunately you will soon become desensitized to my usage of this word, and i'll have to get even dirtier.  i'll be consulting urbandictionary.com for said nastier word. 

**i can be included in said idiots, as i have purchased several snuggies.  actually i didn't purchase them for myself, but as gifts, so perhaps that transfers idiotdom to the new owner of those snuggies.