Every entity has it's own personas, it's own stereotypes. The gym is one of those places.
Although I may generalize a bit, if you take a look around in your own gym, I'll bet you'll find most of these people are working out around you. And you fit right in to one of the categories.
And if you live in houston, this post does not apply to FIT Gym - as legend has it, FIT accomodates only the young, beautiful yuppies and DINKY's that party regularly. I cannot confirm the rumors, as i refuse to work out at a place where i might see people that I socialize with. I would hate for these people to see me at my worst: no makeup, frizzy hair, and sweat marks in my butt crack and underneath my boobs. It's just bad.
The Old Men
These guys gather here, come rain or sleet, snow or hail, every day, same time, same place. They could be having a heart attack (which I'm sure they all have a few under their belt) and they show up no fail. And God forbid YOU miss a day, because they'll mention it next time you see them. And don't try lying by saying you worked out at last night rather than in the morning, because they'll check with their nighttime counterparts to see if you really did do so. They keep tabs on all the gym-goers... if you're earlier than normal, one of them make a beeline for your treadmill and makes sure you know that you're 10 minutes ahead of schedule. And having headphones stuck in your ears would keep most normal people from trying to carry on a conversation, but that doesn't stop them. I've tried.
But despite working out every day, 365 days a year, their bodies never change. That's because the main source of their ambition comes from keeping a daily schedule, and to socialize. And by socialize I mean talk about the weather and if any of their friends have died in the past 24 hours.
But this is one group of men at the gym you don't have to worry about hitting on you. That funny look they're giving you? That's not checking you out, their adult diaper just needs readjusting.
The Beefy Boys
These are the protein-drinking, steroid-eating, armpit-shaving, vein-popping, muscle tee-wearing, bandana-donning, fake tanners of the gym. You can't miss 'em, because they won't let you. If it seems like they're there all the time, it's because they are. Their workout is actually one, loooooong workout. They do the same number of sets as the rest of us, but they wait about 2 hours in between each set. And during their wait, they walk around with a stone cold face, give eachother high fives, and chug protein shakes.
You're usually safe from getting hit on, as these guys know they could never love a woman as much as they love their bodies, so most of them have given up. But every once in awhile, one of them ventures away from their pack and come over with some cheesy line. But you
also know that they love their bodies more than they could ever love a woman, so you undoubtedly will shoot them down. Oh well, better luck next time, sport.
The Barbie Dolls
These are the chicks that come only so they can tell their friends they went to the gym that day. They usually don't sweat, but if they do, it smells like roses and candy. Their hair is put up in a perfect ponytail, of which they hot-rolled the ends of. Their makeup is flawless, and they are wearing a perfectly coordinated workout outfit from Bebe. They workout on the elliptical machine at a slow, steady pace while reading Cosmo. They work their heart rate up enough to act like they're working out hard, but not so much that they can't chat on their cell phone in case their best friend Buffy calls.
Expect to see a high turnover rate on the Barbie Dolls. Pretending like you're working out takes precious time away from shopping.
The Anorexic
This is just sad, so I won't delve into it too much. This is the malnourished girl that gets on the treadmills and runs for THREE HOURS STRAIGHT at the fastest pace and the steepest incline. She doesn't dare lift weights, because muscle weighs more than fat, and that might push her over the 90 lb. mark. And if she's not on the treadmill sweating the 2 oz. of water she has left in her body, she's on the scale in the ladies' locker room, stepping on, then off, on, then off. No, it must be wrong.
Oh, and the canned goods drive that the gym hosts every year is actually for her, but the gym tells everyone it's for the starving kids in Africa.
I'm going to hell now.
The Bachelor
This guy only comes to pick up women. He's tried everything, from bars, to dating services, and he's one rejection shy from hanging out in the produce department. He's so desperate that NO WOMAN IS SAFE, not even The Loner (see below). His lines range from "let me show you how to get better results on that machine" to "didn't I see you in my apartment complex recently?"... although he's usually less smooth on the delivery. You'd almost feel sorry for the guy, but his almost hard pee-pee and over-eagerness snaps you back into reality.
And don't think you're safe once you turn him down. It usually takes several polite, subtle hints and one or two slaps in the face for him to go away. In extreme cases, you may find yourself altering your schedule to avoid The Bachelor. da da da duuuun.
The Loner
This is the guy or girl that tries too hard to slip under the radar, but their attempts at appearing nonchalant come across too hard, and lean towards the bitch-side. They want to get in and get out, with no complications or mishaps. They are on a mission, and will avoid all human contact at any cost. No makeup, bland clothes, quiet demeanor and no eye contact gives them hope they'll blend into the background. If someone is on a machine they want to use, they'll move on, at the expense of their workout.
You didn't see anything...The Gossips
These are the people that have read too many fitness articles suggesting that you should "workout with a friend", and are now located on the bike next to you, as they gab away to whatever poor soul that dragged there that day. Their friend never comes back, so they go through friends, co-workers, family members, neighbors, their mailman... until they've used up every person they've ever come in contact with. And since they're bringing all facets of their life here, plan on
hearing about all facets of their life.
"Oh my God, can you believe she wore that skirt to yesterday's meeting?!"
"Well you didn't hear this from me, but I heard that he's got a young girlfriend on the side."
"And I thought to myself, I should have this rash looked at, you just never know what it could be."
It's important to stay calm with coming in contact with a Gossip. Their endless gabbing will tear at every fiber of your patience, will not mesh well with your Britney Spears mixed tape, will find you wanting to resort to violence RIGHT THERE, but you must relax and hope that their buddy system will be all used up very soon. 'Cause if it's not, they're gonna find this chick floating in the hot tub with an ipod shuffle shoved up her...
Okay, so I think I covered most everyone. There's a few that aren't worth going in to, like B.O. Man, Sweats-a-Lot, The Girl That Could Crush You With Her Pinkie, The Gay Boy, or The Too Cheerful Trainer, but you get the idea.
Oh yeah, and I am most definitely The Loner.