i have always thought of myself as a healthy person.  i'm not allergic to anything, i have all my appendages, i get to check "no" next to all the family history boxes at the doctor's office, and all my moles are under control.  except this one that keeps changing color and size, but i hear that's nothing to worry about.

until about 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with OCD.  not a huge surprise, considering my mother has a severity of OCD that they write about in medical journals.  so color me shocked.  no big deal - take a pill every day, life goes on.

soon after, i was diagnosed with HPV.  TMI Alert.  oh wait, i alerted you after i already said the TMI.  that was sorta pointless, wasn't it?  well maybe that's how i planned it, since i get joy from making people uncomfortable with my personal stories of abnormal pap smears and cervical cryosurgeries.  it's the little things.

ok, so i got a'little crazy goin' on in my head and in my nether regions.  i can totally handle this.

fast forward a few years...  after not taking my OCD diagnosis seriously, and substituting my zoloft with recreational drugs aspirin, my docs sat me down and said "sarah, FACE IT, YOU'RE INSANE AND YOU'LL BE WRITING US CHECKS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

ok, so i got a LOTTA crazy going on in my head.  still handling this.  and look at me surviving as a healthy, normal adult.  *takes swig from champagne bottle*

lately i haven't been sleeping.  or staying awake.  i exist in some weird level of consciousness...  being propped up by ephedra and knocked out by tylenol pm.  so i dragged myself to a sleep doctor.  the initial diagnosis... NARCOLEPSY.

um, excuse me?  this has pushed me over the edge of having a few little health quirks into full-on unhealthy territory.  i have more pills than an 80-year old bedridden grandmother, and more specialty doctors than a cancer patient.  add in a few dental problems, my tendency to faint in the eye doctor's office and my penchant for contracting the flu and strep every year, and you've got yourself someone who is clearly NOT healthy.

when did i become this person?  when did i start carrying around one of those daily reminder pill cases with the large print in my purse?  when did i become a frequent card-carrying member of the quizno's location in the medical center?  and the most important question, why am i asking myself all these questions?

probably the most annoying thing is when people advise me to stop taking all the meds and to just take vitamins and go to bed early.  WELL FUCK - WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?  your degree in business must have included classes on genetic mutation and sleep disorders.  oh wait, you know nothing about biological functions outside the fact that you puke when you do 12 shots of jager?  that's what i thought, so shut the hell up.

bottom line is, i got issues, so don't look at me funny when you see me on the street talking to myself and wearing a tutu.  i have a doctor's note.